How Tisha B'Av Helps Us Build Resilience
Tisha B’Av, the Fast of the Ninth of Av commemorating the destruction of the Temples in Jerusalem, is approaching. Which begs the question, Why do we have so many days of mourning on the Jewish calendar?
Admittedly, I used to think the Jewish calendar subjected its adherents to a little too much grief. For much of my lifetime, we Jews were in a pretty good place. We survived. We succeeded. We had a sovereign state – even with its heartbreaking quagmires, and I have perseverated over Israel’s struggles extensively – Israel has been my homeland, a feature of my prayers, my poetry and art, my music and food, burial ground to my grandparents, and actual home to my extended family. Why were traditional Jews mourning for Israel three days out of the year?
No one is a stranger to grief, and in fact, grief can be good for us. Renowned psychologist Dr. Susan David reminds us that “No one makes it through life without experiencing grief. It is the heart-wrenching flipside of that which makes life worth living—love. When we open our hearts to love, it adds some technicolor brilliance to the black-and-white of the everyday. But living with an open heart also means loss.” We teach students to “love” Israel. And sometimes, love hurts. I have begun to understand this collective Jewish mourning as the loss – and deep desire to restore – something, someone or some place that we love.
While any moment of the news cycle may cause different Jews to mourn in divergent ways, this month of Av brings a looming sense of collective grief. However, the grief of Tisha B’Av can be an empowering pathway to healing our wounded hearts. Making time to process grief is actually an important step in recovering from trauma and opening the door to resilience. When we refocus on how to keep the essence of what we love alive, we renew the inspiration, the values, the potential of the legacy to endure. That is the essence of resilience.
A week ago, I encountered the embodiment of Jewish resilience. Omer Shem Tov, a former Israeli hostage who survived 505 days in Hamas captivity, shared his story with a packed house at Beth Jacob Congregation in Beverly Hills. He recounted how he fled the Nova Festival, escaping unspeakable horrors, only to be taken captive by Hamas gunmen. He found ways to protect and help fellow hostages (before they were separated and he did not hear or see another Israeli for the 450 days that followed). Omer described how he prayed in captivity; before he made a request for himself, Omer began with, “Tell me, Hashem, how are You today?” Omer had the presence of mind to create a relationship with his captors, making himself useful as their electrician, cook and cleaner deep underground in hiding. He convinced his captors to let him keep a book of Divrei Torah that a soldier had left behind: it happened to be the story of Joseph’s imprisonment in Egypt and his eventual rise to leadership, which inspired Omer to keep going. He ultimately survived unimaginable conditions because he could imagine a day after. Omer’s faith and determination got him through hell.
Omer’s story, against the backdrop of the collective mourning associated with Tisha B’Av, is a reminder that we are a people who, throughout history, have needed to convert grief into hope, rejecting the paralysis of fear, and turning instead to courage and action.
Tisha B’Av holds up the mirror of history to the Jewish people, reminding us that disunity can lead to self-destruction and the erosion of who are as a people. We have Jewish wisdom that helps us navigate not just living through history but accepting that it is incumbent upon us to make history. On Tisha B’Av it is easy to feel overwhelmed, helpless. After we take a beat to cry out, “Eicha?! How can it be so?” we must emerge from the grief of the Ninth of Av with renewed focus. It won’t be the first time we have done it in history. But this is our moment.
Just as important as the Ninth of Av is what comes on the 10th of Av, the 11th and the 12th. The Shabbat after Tisha B’Av is known as Shabbat Nachamu – the Shabbat of Comfort – because that Shabbat is designed to help us look forward, to imagine a prophetic vision of what is possible in our day and the days to come, and to bring that vision to fruition. We take the grief of Av and refashion it into resilience, preparing us for the humility required by the month of Elul, a time when we commit to reflect on how we can make ourselves and our world better. Our calendar is designed to imbue us with resilience.
How might you convert your grief into courage and resilience? The day after Tisha B’Av, commit to new regular habits: Comfort your neighbor by coming together in the spirit of curiosity. Commit to a regular habit of learning that will expand your perspective. Pick a book of the Tanakh, or an anthology of Jewish short stories or poetry. Listen to new music and study the lyrics. Perhaps the weekly Torah portion and commentaries will give you inspiration. Make time for a podcast. Think of a friend who might be a good chavruta (partner) and explore some Torah together. Wisdom is a self-renewing Jewish resource to feed your habit of spiritual resilience. May our commitment to learning bring us comfort and awaken the possibilities of a more hopeful future.
